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August 5, 2022
Today marks the nine month anniversary of my divorce. On December 5, 2021 the judge signed my divorce decree. After a 19 year marriage and 7 year divorce, a total of 26 years, I was free. It has taken some time to sink into my brain that I am free. That I no longer belong to a relationship that had meant to devour my spirit.
When you marry a person that shows you all the red flags and ignore them, your life will be a constant circle of hell. The up and down of emotional dysregulation and perpetual blame of all things gone wrong. I had stayed because not every second or everyday was bad. The intensity of the good moments gave me hope that things could be worked out. But like the intense good and magical moments, there were also the intensely horrible moments. The moments of fear and devaluation.
Those intensely bad moments came like waves crashing onto the shore, with each retreat of the water little bits of myself were taken with it. Wearing down my resolve and my confidence. I started to believe the lies that were spewed at me in his desperation to avoid abandonment. I believed that without this relationship I would be homeless, penniless, and alone. But the reality was that I was already alone.
Yes, I was warned and yes, I ignored my loved ones who tried to stop me from making the best worst mistake of my life. Yes, you heard me right. The Best Worst mistake of my life. How is that so?
Let me just tell you. I may have lost bits and pieces of my shattered self, but I have been able to start to rework how the pieces are arranged in my life. I have had many positive experiences in the last 26 years. Many of which I would have never had the guts to achieve without his influence on my life.
We would have never guessed that living on a farm is something that I love. Living in the country and trying to be self sufficient would be a passion. I have learned how to care for gardens and livestock. I have been able to learn how to grow food and grow beautiful flowers. I have gained an appreciation for homesteading and knowing where my food is coming from as well as teaching my kids the value of hard work.
I wouldn’t have become the mother of 4 great kids without him. The love I have given and received from my children, watching and helping them grow into adults. My children are bonded tightly to each other. They are always there for the other and talk often.
Traveling to far away places. I would have been able to meet the people that I have or made friends in different countries or states. So many vacations to different states and going to Mexico a couple of times. I would have never been able to go to China without him. So many experiences traveling, and seeing the best sights. We saw China’s tallest building, a building where there were windows in the floor. We got to see the Grand Canyon, the Meteor crater, we went cave dwelling in New Mexico. Then we rented a Harley and rode around Pine Island Florida. I have also gained a wanting to travel and see new places.
Then there are the hard lessons I have learned. Like pay attention to red flags. I have learned to love myself more than the relationship. People with personality disorders cannot be healed by your love, but only by their own. And most importantly carrying the relationship all by yourself while the other is dead set on destroying it, is a huge waste of your life.
In the end I can’t say the relationship was a total fail. I think we both went into the marriage with lots of unhealed trauma. We didn’t learn the tools to create a healthy relationship before or during the relationship. One of us disregarded their mental illnesses not realizing the affect they would have on our relationship. We have over 19 years of adventures to fondly remember and 4 great kids that love each other and are learning the relational tools we didn’t, until now. I am grateful for the time and the lessons that I can now carry into the rest of my life.
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