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June 23, 2021
How long have you been hanging on to that hurt? Is it really serving you to hang on to it, or is it just hurting you more? Have you been able to heal this wound you carry by holding a grudge or holding on to the pain of the experience?
What if I told you that you can learn from the experience and heal yourself without hanging on to the pain of the lesson. Sometimes WE can’t let go of the past and this gets in the way of a brighter future. Take in the lessons. The experience is part of you now, you are who you are partly due to this experience. But do you like how continuing to give this experience your emotional power is developing traits you and others may not find becoming?
I know this happened to me the first couple of years after my marriage ended. I was a walking ball of emotions. I also made sure to tell anyone who would listen about it. Who did this hurt? Me. Because no one wanted to be around me, they didn’t want to hear my constant whining and bellyaching.
So I have come to the realization that I needed to glean the lessons from my 20 year marriage and 6 year divorce. I needed to forgive myself for not knowing better, and I needed to forgive him. Then I needed to let go of all the emotions. I can say that “when he would get drunk, I became angry.” I can accept my feelings from that time, but I don’t have to relive them in the memory.
How do we do this?
Decide: We decide that we aren’t going to let whatever it is get in our way anymore. It hasn’t gotten in the way of our future, we let it. Decide right now to not give it any more power. Take your power back, it’s yours, pull it back in.
Journal: Write it out. This helps to process the emotions you feel that has kept you in this place of pain. We must accept how we feel. We can associate the feelings to the situation This will not be a one time thing. Journaling will become a part of your routine. This will help with bringing your awareness to the core issues and lessons. If you need more help processing your emotions, it is ok to see a therapist, they can teach you the tools to help you now and in the future.
Forgive: I know you repeat in your head. “They did horrible things” “I was just a child” and on and on. You holding on to this pain for so long doesn’t effect them one bit, it keeps you locked into that time and place of your past. They have been living rent free in your head all this time. Let’s evict them. The best thing you can do for yourself is forgive them. I know, they don’t deserve it, but you deserve to be free of them.
Keep Forgiving: Every time you think of what had happened repeat in your head to yourself ” I forgive Me and them” Replace the other things you used to say with this. Keep saying this like an affirmation. and keep journaling about it to process those emotions. Little by little you will let go of the pain of the experience.
Forgiving ourselves especially when it comes to something we have felt that we have failed at is incredibly difficult. This is where all the steps I have given are really important. Beating up on yourself will only keep you from trying again. Keeping a journal work out your thoughts and emotions is extremely helpful to gain perspective in what went wrong and use the things you have learned in the future.
Please know that forgiveness does NOT mean reconciliation. You absolutely do not need to keep this person in your life if you don’t want to. Whether they are a relative, friend, partner, or co-worker. In cases of abuse, it is best not to keep these people in your life. In the case of my ex husband I have gone no contact with him since he moved over 2000 miles away.
I know there are times when we feel so hurt by the people who have wronged us that we want them to feel the same pain that we had, sometimes we want to wish that onto them. Please don’t fall for that temptation. You don’t want to walk around with that karma.
What I have done is the opposite. I wished that he would move far away to a tropical or sub-tropical place where he can enjoy his life and leave me alone. Guess what happened! He moved far away to a sub tropical place where he could enjoy his life if he chose to do so. I have no guilt whatsoever.
It is difficult to let things go but if you decide to do it. Then work out your emotions in the process by journaling. Next forgiving yourself and the other person to set yourself free of the bondage of resentment. Finally, making a consistent effort to remind yourself of the forgiveness. Remember that if you are going to wish anything on someone else that it be something neutral or positive.
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